soooo, I had the shittiest confrontation with my dad this morning. It's so stupid, but it totes characterizes the sort of relationship I have with my dad now

so my dad got a new phone, and he always uses his phone as an alarm clock. I was asleep, and his alarm went off at 6 AM. No big, he turns it off after a few seconds and then I can go back to sleep. This morning though, it went on for 20 fucking minutes. His phone had frozen up and he's too fucking technophobic to do anything to figure out how to fix it. So, I wake up and head towards the noise. He's in the kitchen, making coffee, staring at his phone, and I ask to see it, you know, to see if I can shut the fucking thing up. he says okay, I try pressing a button, it doesn't work, he grabs the phone back from me (I've had it for a grand total of 3 seconds by now). He stares at it again for a while, and then he has the good sense to try taking the battery out. FINALLY. 25 fucking minutes after his alarm starts, he figures a thing out. Obviously I'm a little irritated, so I tell him for future reference, to figure out how to turn off his phone. I wasn't upset at him, these things happen, I was just telling him a thing. this turns into the WORST THING, and my dad gets real fucking mad, and my mom comes and yells at me for a bit.

that's awesome, my dad does a stupid thing and I get irritated, but if I say anything at all to him, it's all my goddamn fault. he can be openly critical of me whenever he wants.

so that's the most recent incident

I feel like this.

I want to feel like this.

I am ready to fall asleep and wake up when break is over.

okay.

no.

you know what

i spent my time waiting for break so i could feel betrer

and now it's break and i still feel shitty

and when break is over i will still feel shitty

nothing gets better ever and nothing gets worse

the thing that makes things seem better though is learning how to cope

but i don't know how to manage this anymore

i can't i can't i can't

i hate being at school because no one thinks i am a real person and i hate being at home because no one thinks i am a real perosn and i hate being anywhere at all because i don't think i am a real person

i will never do anything important or meaningful and i will never be good enough at anything for me to respect me

and it's everyone's fault

when i am sad and i tell my mom hey mom i am a sad person, she always says you are just pmsing. hey mom i am not okay please take me seriously sometimes

when my dad asks my opinions on things and i am like hey dad here is my opinion on this thing and he is like, that is an incorrect opinion and you will grow out of this crazy radical way of thinking when you are older, also when i was your age i hated when my dad told me this

okay way to go dad way to learn from the past and also make me feel like i am a valid person

when i want to be awkward and erik is like hey leah call me and lets be awkward, okay i am done being awkward i am going to sleep now, dont carethat i just left you hanging, and then whenyou bring it up tomorrow, sorry that i'm going to leave you hanging again

sometimes i guess i jokingly demand people to validate me, but no its not really a joke

I don't think I'm cut out to be a real person.

So I thought I would feel better once I got home.

Nope, not true.

My dad was picking on me today, like he does, and usually I am fine with it. Today, I just broke. I couldn't stop crying for an hour. It was ridiculous.

I contemplated telling Erik about it, but really, he's not going to say anything useful.

I srsly doubt anyone is.

Guhhh.

I feel bad.

So I am a crazy person.

I had two panic attacks two nights in a row just this weekend. The second one left me literally speechless, as in, I was unable to form words for about an hour afterwards.

This is all that's new, I guess.

So everything is wrong?

I don't know.

I am bad at all of the things.

I used to be good at math, but now it seems no matter how hard I try, I am awful at it. And now I am even bad at knitting. Something that used to calm me down now frustrates me to no end. I also hate spending time with my friends because I am just in the way. They have to accommodate me and that prevents them from doing things they want to do. And people just call me now because I have a car.

Specifics:

65/100 on last math test

The one proof I thought I got right, I got completely wrong.

provisional cast on in the round

I keep losing stitches for no reason?

Joe hangs out with Erik more than he hangs out with me now.

It is probably because I only read "avant-garde" books.

Fuck everyone and their taste in literature. I dislike fantasy and most sci fi. I dislike anything that involves destiny. I hate main characters who are only important because of some heroic thing their ancestor did.

I like stories about people. And I don't want them to be special. If they have some sort of special trait, I want them to be bad at it sometimes. I want them to be flawed. I want them to be actual people, not this fucking idealized thing that doesn't mean anything.

Also, I value concepts over characters. I also like characters that are concepts? Okay, let me elaborate a little bit. If the characters aren't realistic and human, and they are just concepts, then I don't want to feel any emotional attachment to them. I want them to illustrate a point and then never care about them after that.

I am perhaps insane and I hate literature. (Thank you, Greg and Kevin and Joe and Erik.)

I also like magic realism sometimes. So fucking shoot me.

So remember that time I was really mad/depressed when Scott stayed at Erik's house for the weekend and then some?

I figured out why!

Turns out, it is because I went home for the weekend!

Let me tell you, I hate going home. My parents seem to hate each other, and they also try to hide this from me, which makes for frustrating times indeed. Also, my dad is always secretly criticizing me. I mean, come on, is it really such a flaw that I am incapable of REM sleep no matter how I sleep?

I digress.

I really hate home and I am no longer going to spend weekends there.

I guess I just want to find someone to do substances with.

I am tired of drinking alone, and it has only been two days.

why do you do that?

why do you call for like 3 seconds? It is stupid.

I want to stab you in the liver.

Also, great. I am using expressions that I was fond of sophomore year of high school.

Fuck you.

Are you unhappy? I am unhappy too.

Do you want someone? Are you lonely too?

This is a stupid song and I should stop listening to it, because it reminds me of writing that goddamned final for Susser's class. I want to kill shit.

lskjdflsjkfd

I guess I really do hate Scott now. Every time Erik mentions him, it evokes the same feelings as Magic does.

Also, I am really goddamn jealous that he does things, and I do not.

I want to get trashed and cry for a couple of hours, but hey, I have a roommate.

This is a stupid thing. I want everyone to feel bad because I feel bad. And I want everyone to have a shitty time because I'm having a shitty time.

Okay, fine, this is not true.

I want Erik to have a shitty time because I'm having a shitty time, and I want Scott to die in a fire.

I do not enjoy feeling like everything is my fault. It's sort of narcissistic. Oh well, I guess I'm a narcissist.

I am not an artist

I desperately wish I was though.

Becoming physically ill at the mention of a card game seems unhealthy.

I have so much negative association for something that seems to most people relatively innocent.

this is problems, I suppose.

"It's not fixed if you like it broken"

guhhhhhhhhhh

I dislike

being reminded of my own mortality?

I guess this is something a lot of people can relate to maybe.

I don't even know the guy, and I still want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry for several hours.

Everything is so fragile. I do not understand how people keep going despite this knowledge. Everything can break so easily.

Academic probation sort of sucks.

I guess I have a term GPA of 1.4, which is neat.

I have dug myself into a giant, stupid hole. I hate school. I hate my major. I hate classes. I hate homework. I hate tests. I hate it when boyfriends leave in the middle of the semester with no explanation. I hate social claustrophobia. I hate loneliness that leads to paranoia. I hate insomnia due to said paranoia. I hate loss of appetite. I hate crying every night, not because I don't know how to fix it, but because I don't really want to.

This is frustrating.

I put up with a lot, I think.
But that is what I do. What else is there? If you define yourself as a carpet, you can't complain if you get walked on.
I mean, if you take a job eating bees...

I digress.

I guess, it is just sometimes I want to talk and work out my problems and get advice and be better and be happy.
It just so happens that when I try to talk, everyone I talk to tells me their problems so they can fucking relate to me or whatever, but hey wait this is supposed to be about me and then all of a sudden it isn't and I am stuck helping everyone every time.

I want to be happy too.

things that make things more difficult than they should be

Weather.
Fuck this weather, man.

It is April. It is 74 degrees outside.
What the fuck.



I won't be happy until it's 90 again. I can't be. I need to feel like I'm boiling in my own skin. I need it soon.


Everything that is supposed to be is not. What the fuck's up with that?

I hate seeing my friends on facebook who are going to name brand colleges. Just saying. I mean, ASU is a good school and all, but it still doesn't help that it's in fucking Arizona. Everyone expected me to get out of this shit hole, and I couldn't. Holy hell, I couldn't. And how the hell did they? I took the same fucking classes, and did it all in three years. Apparently that's not impressive at all.
It is just frustrating. 90 percent admit rate is something I can't get over.
I wish I was at UCLA. Then if anyone asks my parents where I'm going to college, they don't have to qualify it with "but she's only 17."

I just want to talk to him : /

Holy hell, am I sad right now.
I've been fine all day, and all of yesterday. It is just right now.
He is not here, and everything reminds me of him.
He left his shoes and his towel here, he gave me his legos, there is change on my table, his jacket is on my couch, the Big White Book is on my bookshelf, Pokemon is on my TV, Layton is in my DS, Penny Arcade is on my computer. My sheets even smell like him. Hell, even I smell like him. I've been using his soap and his towel and jacket and I miss him I miss him I miss him.
I talked to him today, and we listened to the PA podcast, but I miss how he holds me and talks quietly and tells me everything is going to be okay and that I'll be just fine and how are we doing? Perfect, and Do I love you? Do you love me? Do we love each other? and can I do anything for you? can I get you anything? can I do anything to help? what do you want to do? is it okay if I go play some Magic with Tucker? Call me if you want me to come back. I'll see you later. I love you, Leah.

"He still loves you, and he didn't want to leave you."

This doesn't actually belong in the dislike blog, but I know it'd just make me sad if I put it in the other one.

Basically, the title of this post came from something Sam said to me on Wednesday night. It's basically what's been getting me through these past few days.
It's not even what she said, really. The words are nice, but how she said it. Her tone, the quality of voice.
Sounded like Erik.

I know

I know.
I've been stuck in an epically shitty situation that I am honestly unsure if I want to even be a part of.

Whoa, lack of punctuation.
Anyway. I feel like shit.

I posted to reddit, and yes, fears confirmed. Woo. Awesome.


I don't understand why he can't tell me. I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand.

So, things I am already frustrated with.
Umm, so I just got back from Erik leaving, which is already awesome, and then I walk into the lounge, and of course they're playing magic. This doesn't infuriate me in and of itself, but Tim won't fucking shut up about Erik.

I really hate my boyfriend.

"Wanna go to the zoo?"
"I'd love to go to the zoo!"
*sleeps all fucking day*
*wakes up*
"Let's go to the cardshop! We'll do whatever you want afterward."
"O-okay."
*return from cardshop*
"I'm going to go play Magic with Tucker."
"FUCK YOU, BUDDY."



Lies lies lies lies lies lies.
I do not understand. I want to go to the zoo, or the movies, or Safeway, or anywhere.


Oh, and I called him a little while ago, because he said he was coming over.
He said, I'm on my way, just gotta grab some stuff from my room.
In the background, I can hear him playing Magic.



Holy hell, am I angry right now.

I waited for that. I waited all night for that. Well, I'm a pathetic piece of shit.
Maybe I should just go die in a fire.
Sam's right.

everyone is sick of my sad face.
no one wants to talk to me
or when they do
it is advice
or empathy
"yeah, I feel like that too."
well, fuck you
I didn't ask.
tell me everything's going to be okay.
stay stay stay
let me be sad, okay. sometimes I need to be. sometimes I need to be sad. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to feel guilty.
and when I say "what do I do? what do I do? what do I do?" you don't have to answer, you know. It's okay to say "I don't know."
I just want someone there. please please please please stay.

what to do?
pretend like everything is okay.



form follows function.

Like many things, though, I think that my observations have altered the objects of my scrutiny.
--Matt Hemenway, on Facebook chat.


I just wanted to save this.

I suppose I should elaborate on the paranoia thing I touched on in the other blog. But really, what to say about it?

I guess a lot of my emotional instability has to do with Matt and Sam, even if I don't want to admit it (it'll only make them feel guilty). I don't know what to do. I guess I can be friends with them separately if that is what they require, but it sure as hell isn't what I require.
I want my friends to stay friends. Is that wrong?

On another note, I want my boyfriend to be my friend as well. I tell him "I'm going to be in Matt/Sam's room." and he asks "Do you want me to come?" and I say that I don't care, but yeah, I care I care I care. And then he goes and plays Magic and then I am sad no matter how much fun Matt and/or Sam are. Then he never calls, never texts, and I tell him I want to go home, and then I feel guilty and he is so nice and I feel so guilty. And then I realize he is not so nice, and I feel guilty about thinking that.
Fucking Islam family guilt. It's all we have.
My dad has finally found his passion, but at the cost of my mom's happiness. What to do, what to do. I am only 17; what can I do?

I can't do a thing. I hate admitting it, but sometimes there is nothing you can do.
Time to wait, I suppose. Wait for everyone to solve their problems, and maybe mine will get better. Maybe maybe maybe.

spring break

It has been a day, and I already miss Erik an unreasonable amount. Granted, this is far better than winter break, but still.
I have been spoiled by routine.

I am so scared.

"It is okay to let go, Leah."



No. You will leave. You won't come back.




You are always leaving me. I don't need anyone but you, but you need other people. I am so clingy and needy. It is ridiculous. You would rather be with them than me.

being sick

is lame. Lame lame lame lame.

I have a test on Monday and a test on Tuesday and I had a test on Wednesday, but I dropped that class.



Oh, and an essay due on Friday.

guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love sucks.
Awesome.






I am sick of being frustrated. I want him to see that.

magic

on top of all this other bullshit is fucking horrendous.

I feel bad for my friends, and I feel guilty for feeling bad about myself. I mean, at least I have a boyfriend.
*sigh*

Like I told Matt the other night about being in a relationship.
I would not recommend it to anyone. I will never actively desire to be in a relationship ever again. It is nice when it is nice, but it feels like my heart is breaking every day and I don't know why.

It is the most awful feeling. I don't deserve him, and I continue to fuck up. He loves me, and that hurts, and I don't know why.

wanting to sleep

but not being able to because of the internet, of all things.


FUCK YOU INTERNETS.

YOU ARE THE REASON I AM KNITTING SO SLOWLY AND NOT READING AT ALL.

I do not enjoy it when Vida is closed.


That is the only reason I drove around all day! To have a latte at the end of it.

God damn you, Globe.

break has been a mess

I was planning on doing a lot of things over break and none of them got done because I am silly and female and very very very female.

I guess I did learn how to type.


I talked to Matt for four hours on the phone about nothing.
I want to talk to Erik for four hours on the phone about nothing : /

Don't get me wrong, I love talking to anyone on the phone for four hours about nothing (especially Matt. He is an interesting guy), but I would like it if I could do that with my boyfriend. I certainly don't want to do this every day, or even every week, but maybe once, I would like to talk to him about nothing for an extended period of time.

I think it is silly how he can be talking to me online, and you know, having a conversation, and then as soon as one of his Magic buddies is online, I am demoted to afterthought.


IT IS SO FUCKING NEAT.

I absolutely cannot be selfish. I want him to talk to me instead of playing DotA but I can't say it.



This fucking sucks.

things that help. Also, schizophrenia!

Sup Leah?

I know you've been having some issues with the menfolk, but don't let it get to you.
Well, that kid Erik, he's not a bad guy, but he doesn't have it all together either. It's not your place to justify his actions. When he messes up, he messes up. He's a big boy. He can justify his mistakes himself.
As for everything else, yeah, he's an important part of your life now, but come on. You're still a feminist, goddamn it. Act like one. You don't need him. At all. Ever. You still know what is important to you, and you still know how to prioritize, even if he doesn't.
And you know how you're always worried that people think of you as "Gigantor's girlfriend"? Don't. Maybe for the first couple days you were, but you've been assimilated into the group now. You're Leah. You have your own personality. You can hang out with any of Erik's friends now without Erik, because, hey, they're your friends too. Hell, you even talked to Matt for three hours on the phone last night, discussing Russian literature. You talk to Sam, and Tucker, and Tim, and Bryan, and Becky, and Wilford comfortably and easily. It's fine. They don't talk to you because they have to accept you. They think you're neat.
Also, don't get so fucking intimidated. You're entitled to your own opinions, even if Erik doesn't share those opinions. You can be your own person. IT'S OKAY. So what if he thinks you're stupid or misinformed? You still kick his ass at math. You don't even like politics or economics. Why the fuck do you care what he thinks about them? You're 16. You're in college. You're smart. You don't need to prove it to anyone, least of all your boyfriend. You're fucking Baretta. They believe every fucking word 'cause you're super cool.

So basically, there is no reason to give up you to be with him. It's been working fine so far. I don't know what's up with you and break to think all of it's changed.

Oh one more thing, cry as much as you fucking want. You're at home. No one needs to know.

Fuck men,
Leah

things that distress me, part 1

I had to hear it from Scott.


Goddamn it, goddamn it, goddamn it.






I cannot do anything right.

Erik

from Skype:

leah, i am probably making a lot of mistakes that make you really angry. i don't mean to. i really do love you. and i miss you a lot. i'm sorry if i frustrate you unduely, but i am trying to be less frustrating



gahh, I have so much frustration.

I am wrong

I am wrong I am wrong I am wrong

It is the smallest things I am using as evidence, but the smallest things seem to affect me the most.