I hate seeing my friends on facebook who are going to name brand colleges. Just saying. I mean, ASU is a good school and all, but it still doesn't help that it's in fucking Arizona. Everyone expected me to get out of this shit hole, and I couldn't. Holy hell, I couldn't. And how the hell did they? I took the same fucking classes, and did it all in three years. Apparently that's not impressive at all.
It is just frustrating. 90 percent admit rate is something I can't get over.
I wish I was at UCLA. Then if anyone asks my parents where I'm going to college, they don't have to qualify it with "but she's only 17."

I just want to talk to him : /

Holy hell, am I sad right now.
I've been fine all day, and all of yesterday. It is just right now.
He is not here, and everything reminds me of him.
He left his shoes and his towel here, he gave me his legos, there is change on my table, his jacket is on my couch, the Big White Book is on my bookshelf, Pokemon is on my TV, Layton is in my DS, Penny Arcade is on my computer. My sheets even smell like him. Hell, even I smell like him. I've been using his soap and his towel and jacket and I miss him I miss him I miss him.
I talked to him today, and we listened to the PA podcast, but I miss how he holds me and talks quietly and tells me everything is going to be okay and that I'll be just fine and how are we doing? Perfect, and Do I love you? Do you love me? Do we love each other? and can I do anything for you? can I get you anything? can I do anything to help? what do you want to do? is it okay if I go play some Magic with Tucker? Call me if you want me to come back. I'll see you later. I love you, Leah.

"He still loves you, and he didn't want to leave you."

This doesn't actually belong in the dislike blog, but I know it'd just make me sad if I put it in the other one.

Basically, the title of this post came from something Sam said to me on Wednesday night. It's basically what's been getting me through these past few days.
It's not even what she said, really. The words are nice, but how she said it. Her tone, the quality of voice.
Sounded like Erik.

I know

I know.
I've been stuck in an epically shitty situation that I am honestly unsure if I want to even be a part of.

Whoa, lack of punctuation.
Anyway. I feel like shit.

I posted to reddit, and yes, fears confirmed. Woo. Awesome.


I don't understand why he can't tell me. I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand.

So, things I am already frustrated with.
Umm, so I just got back from Erik leaving, which is already awesome, and then I walk into the lounge, and of course they're playing magic. This doesn't infuriate me in and of itself, but Tim won't fucking shut up about Erik.

I really hate my boyfriend.

"Wanna go to the zoo?"
"I'd love to go to the zoo!"
*sleeps all fucking day*
*wakes up*
"Let's go to the cardshop! We'll do whatever you want afterward."
"O-okay."
*return from cardshop*
"I'm going to go play Magic with Tucker."
"FUCK YOU, BUDDY."



Lies lies lies lies lies lies.
I do not understand. I want to go to the zoo, or the movies, or Safeway, or anywhere.


Oh, and I called him a little while ago, because he said he was coming over.
He said, I'm on my way, just gotta grab some stuff from my room.
In the background, I can hear him playing Magic.



Holy hell, am I angry right now.

I waited for that. I waited all night for that. Well, I'm a pathetic piece of shit.
Maybe I should just go die in a fire.
Sam's right.

everyone is sick of my sad face.
no one wants to talk to me
or when they do
it is advice
or empathy
"yeah, I feel like that too."
well, fuck you
I didn't ask.
tell me everything's going to be okay.
stay stay stay
let me be sad, okay. sometimes I need to be. sometimes I need to be sad. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to feel guilty.
and when I say "what do I do? what do I do? what do I do?" you don't have to answer, you know. It's okay to say "I don't know."
I just want someone there. please please please please stay.

what to do?
pretend like everything is okay.



form follows function.

Like many things, though, I think that my observations have altered the objects of my scrutiny.
--Matt Hemenway, on Facebook chat.


I just wanted to save this.

I suppose I should elaborate on the paranoia thing I touched on in the other blog. But really, what to say about it?

I guess a lot of my emotional instability has to do with Matt and Sam, even if I don't want to admit it (it'll only make them feel guilty). I don't know what to do. I guess I can be friends with them separately if that is what they require, but it sure as hell isn't what I require.
I want my friends to stay friends. Is that wrong?

On another note, I want my boyfriend to be my friend as well. I tell him "I'm going to be in Matt/Sam's room." and he asks "Do you want me to come?" and I say that I don't care, but yeah, I care I care I care. And then he goes and plays Magic and then I am sad no matter how much fun Matt and/or Sam are. Then he never calls, never texts, and I tell him I want to go home, and then I feel guilty and he is so nice and I feel so guilty. And then I realize he is not so nice, and I feel guilty about thinking that.
Fucking Islam family guilt. It's all we have.
My dad has finally found his passion, but at the cost of my mom's happiness. What to do, what to do. I am only 17; what can I do?

I can't do a thing. I hate admitting it, but sometimes there is nothing you can do.
Time to wait, I suppose. Wait for everyone to solve their problems, and maybe mine will get better. Maybe maybe maybe.

spring break

It has been a day, and I already miss Erik an unreasonable amount. Granted, this is far better than winter break, but still.
I have been spoiled by routine.