I have never done anything.
Ever.

Awesome.




This will be the 16th New Year's Eve in a row in which I have sat around with my parents, reading and watching TV.


djhjgkdfgldg

I dislike that I

talk differently over chat, for one, but also that I change how I talk depending on who I talk to.
I pick up their mannerisms and whatnot. It frustrates me to no end. I want my own definitive style.

reading

I just read Neuromancer, straight up, three hours on a plane.

I can't tell if I liked it or not.

But let me tell you this: it was not a book I read because I enjoyed reading it. I kept catching myself looking at the page numbers, wondering when it would be over.

I need a book that I can read without ever worrying about "Goddamn it, one hour and I am only 100 pages in."
I need a book that makes me want to read. All of the nerdy books I've been recommended have been page turners only because I am trying to up my reading speed again. That is always a bad sign when I'm reading. If I am only paying attention to see how much faster I can finish it, then there is no point in reading that book.

I'll probably read the first two WoT and give up. That's all I can promise.
Then, I'll spend the rest of break on Kurt Vonnegut and Joseph Heller and Jonathan Safran Foer. I crave Cat's Cradle like you don't even know.

a couple of things I wanted to say

It is like, after you have basically spent the past month with someone almost 24/7, it is difficult to cope without. It is quitting cold turkey? I am unsure of what I should be doing.

Why is it so difficult to be serious with guys? Sure, there are a couple who are nice enough to not laugh off your concerns, but for the most part, they are all douches. I have feelings and needs. I have concerns. Please try to address them?

I am so much more emo than he is. It is the most awful feeling in the world; needing someone more than they need you. It's been like that from the start, unfortunately. I reread some old texts, and yeah, it is basically me waiting for a response. Every time.

I hate being needy, but my only other option is not talking to him at all. I mean, he is never going to initiate conversation.



gahhhh, FRUSTRATION.

saddest thing...

...I have heard all day:

hotnreddyfreddy (9:49:15 PM): she gets way more emo when we're apart than i do




every time, I suppose.

I hate it when other people have plans and I don't.



Or when my plans are incredibly lame.

"Well, at 4, I'm going out for some mediocre Chinese food with a bunch of high school students who are still shocked when I say 'fuck' instead of 'darn'."
"Well, tonight I'm going to watch shitty TV while Mitra falls asleep impossibly early. Again."
"Well, hey! I'm not doing anything at all."



I hate Indiana.

on a lighter note

Eyeliner causes me pain.



It is really the worst thing when you get it in your eye.

reading minds

I hate how I can't.

I never know what is going on.
I have never been particularly intuitive, even less so when I am emotional.




I finally cried. It always takes something extreme to provoke a response, doesn't it?

I remember at the beginning of the year, I would never respond to texts unless they were interesting. Now what's happened? I fucking write paragraphs in response to "=D" or "lol".

It is awful. I feel awful. I can't remember the last time I was a bitch. I used to hate everyone. What happened? Rubaiya got a fucking boyfriend? Changed her name to Leah? The things we do.

The saddest part:
I'd rather be called Leah.
Jacob's ugly wife.
This is the name I'm sticking with; my easy-to-say, easy-to-spell, easy-to-remember alias. My dhaknam.
I guess a tiny name for a tiny person.



Fuck, what did I do.

please please please.

I am sitting here, trying to distract myself.
I attempted a happy post in my happy blog, but it kept turning out too bitter.

This is exactly why I don't have friends.
When I have em, I need them.
When I don't, I'm alright. By no means happy, but alright.

This may be worse.

I want to sleep and cry and I can't do either.
I want to stay up in case someone is online (especially him).
I can't cry because I am in Indiana with my friends and I have new books and new shoes and a new coat and I didn't fail physics and I should be happy, right?

I should not be thinking about him as much as I do.
I want him to need me too, and it is just not going to happen.
It hurts me every time I tell him this and he laughs it off.
Sometimes I need to be validated.
I want to feel important.

I am such a fucking girl. It is terrible. I hate myself for it.
I used to be independent. I used to be angry.
I never needed anyone before.


It is too bad I don't have anyone to call. Advice is better over the phone.

boys

will never need you no matter how much you need them to.


I hate that I am no longer a feminist.