magic

on top of all this other bullshit is fucking horrendous.

I feel bad for my friends, and I feel guilty for feeling bad about myself. I mean, at least I have a boyfriend.
*sigh*

Like I told Matt the other night about being in a relationship.
I would not recommend it to anyone. I will never actively desire to be in a relationship ever again. It is nice when it is nice, but it feels like my heart is breaking every day and I don't know why.

It is the most awful feeling. I don't deserve him, and I continue to fuck up. He loves me, and that hurts, and I don't know why.

wanting to sleep

but not being able to because of the internet, of all things.


FUCK YOU INTERNETS.

YOU ARE THE REASON I AM KNITTING SO SLOWLY AND NOT READING AT ALL.

I do not enjoy it when Vida is closed.


That is the only reason I drove around all day! To have a latte at the end of it.

God damn you, Globe.

break has been a mess

I was planning on doing a lot of things over break and none of them got done because I am silly and female and very very very female.

I guess I did learn how to type.


I talked to Matt for four hours on the phone about nothing.
I want to talk to Erik for four hours on the phone about nothing : /

Don't get me wrong, I love talking to anyone on the phone for four hours about nothing (especially Matt. He is an interesting guy), but I would like it if I could do that with my boyfriend. I certainly don't want to do this every day, or even every week, but maybe once, I would like to talk to him about nothing for an extended period of time.

I think it is silly how he can be talking to me online, and you know, having a conversation, and then as soon as one of his Magic buddies is online, I am demoted to afterthought.


IT IS SO FUCKING NEAT.

I absolutely cannot be selfish. I want him to talk to me instead of playing DotA but I can't say it.



This fucking sucks.

things that help. Also, schizophrenia!

Sup Leah?

I know you've been having some issues with the menfolk, but don't let it get to you.
Well, that kid Erik, he's not a bad guy, but he doesn't have it all together either. It's not your place to justify his actions. When he messes up, he messes up. He's a big boy. He can justify his mistakes himself.
As for everything else, yeah, he's an important part of your life now, but come on. You're still a feminist, goddamn it. Act like one. You don't need him. At all. Ever. You still know what is important to you, and you still know how to prioritize, even if he doesn't.
And you know how you're always worried that people think of you as "Gigantor's girlfriend"? Don't. Maybe for the first couple days you were, but you've been assimilated into the group now. You're Leah. You have your own personality. You can hang out with any of Erik's friends now without Erik, because, hey, they're your friends too. Hell, you even talked to Matt for three hours on the phone last night, discussing Russian literature. You talk to Sam, and Tucker, and Tim, and Bryan, and Becky, and Wilford comfortably and easily. It's fine. They don't talk to you because they have to accept you. They think you're neat.
Also, don't get so fucking intimidated. You're entitled to your own opinions, even if Erik doesn't share those opinions. You can be your own person. IT'S OKAY. So what if he thinks you're stupid or misinformed? You still kick his ass at math. You don't even like politics or economics. Why the fuck do you care what he thinks about them? You're 16. You're in college. You're smart. You don't need to prove it to anyone, least of all your boyfriend. You're fucking Baretta. They believe every fucking word 'cause you're super cool.

So basically, there is no reason to give up you to be with him. It's been working fine so far. I don't know what's up with you and break to think all of it's changed.

Oh one more thing, cry as much as you fucking want. You're at home. No one needs to know.

Fuck men,
Leah

things that distress me, part 1

I had to hear it from Scott.


Goddamn it, goddamn it, goddamn it.






I cannot do anything right.

Erik

from Skype:

leah, i am probably making a lot of mistakes that make you really angry. i don't mean to. i really do love you. and i miss you a lot. i'm sorry if i frustrate you unduely, but i am trying to be less frustrating



gahh, I have so much frustration.

I am wrong

I am wrong I am wrong I am wrong

It is the smallest things I am using as evidence, but the smallest things seem to affect me the most.