I feel particularly self destructive tonight.

I can ruin two relationships in one go, I think. That might be interesting.


I shouldn't have to feel guilty for feeling good, but you, you just don't know when to stop.

ENORMOUSLY LOVE

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE

THERE'S NEVER BEEN A KNIFE THAT'S CUT ME HALF AS DEEP AS YOU OR WIDE AS YOU






oh god my life is stupid and bizarre and i hate it
I promise I love you.

He cries when she yawns

I'll give you the longest kiss.
I'll give you perfect pitch.

everything

is pretty hard.

I don't know how to feel about things anymore. It has been two years. Have I run out of steam? Does it come back? I feel tremendously guilty, but what to do? Pretend like it is the same, I guess.

I want to have both, which is pretty frustrating. I don't even want one or the other anymore. Just both.

I wish they read this. It would be so much easier.

maybe it is the drugs.

I am having it again

the paranoid depression

seeing bugs out of the corners of my eyes

wtf

I have depression and I want to talk.

but not about you. I'm tired of that.

if you want to tell me you have felt this way before, or how you have dealt with it, or anything about you, please don't do it under the pretense of making me feel better. I'll talk about your shit, whatever, just not when you tell me you want to talk about my shit.

It makes me vaguely depressed when Erik talks about his friends in Washington who play Magic and do Magic things for work. He is always so excited. Is this what it's going to be in 10 years? I know it can be someone's passion, I guess, but it's still a card game.

Since I came back to Tempe on Monday, I have suffered a radical mood shift. I am depressed, angry and frustrated for no reason, and I keep getting this killer headache.


wtf mang

things are boring

and i feel like first wave emo

i want to go home

but i thought this was home?

I am unhappy

and my friends are on too many drugs to care

I had such a fucking awful day yesterday.

the highlights included, but were not limited to:

being stuck in rush hour traffic

being stuck out in an intersection while trying to take a left for 3 cycles

my period starting during aforementioned traffic

getting home to find the toilet broken

I can't handle this.

I AM SO SCARED TO EVEN BE A FAKE REAL PERSON

today was supposed to be my last real day of break, since tomorrow we're going to visit Sierra Vista. Now, week days are the best thing because I can go from 8am to 6pm without interacting with anyone; limited texting, limited computer time, no phone calls, no going outside. I really relish this time, and since today was supposed to be my last day of break, I set my alarm for early'o'clock so I could enjoy it (note, alarm was set for 11am). I ended up not sleeping the entire night due to unforseen a/c problems, and perhaps excitement. So I was awake during my parents' wake up tiemz and I patiently waited it out with the aid of old episodes of the joystiq podcast. When I was sure my mom had left for work, I peeked outside my window (it has a good view of the driveway) to see if my dad's car was still there. Fine. He often leaves late for the office. I check again an hour later, at 9, and his car is still there. Wha? I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he'll leave eventually. I then check again at 10:30. HIS CAR IS STILL THERE. By this time, I am starving, and in desperate need of food, so I wander out to the living room/kitchen area, only to find my dad watching tv in his pajamas. Upon seeing me, he says, "I'm playing hooky today!" Human interaction. All fuckin day. Fine, I'll just lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. No tv, which means no movies or inane distractions so I can knit, but whatever.

I still need to eat, though. So I pour myself a giant bowl of cereal, equivalent to two bowls, and go to the fridge for milk. We are out of milk.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

the bookstore incident

This happened sometime last semester, maybe November? Or earlier. I don't really know.

Anyway, Erik had told me to read a book (because it was really depressing, and that is supposed to make me like it, for some reason), so I wanted to get a new book for myself. Since we were heading to Tempe Marketplace, we asked Tim's room if anyone was interested in going. Greg and Kevin wanted to go to Target to get some things, so they came along. Erik and I went to Barnes and Nobles to look for books. Greg and Kevin met up with us there, and asked what kind of book I was looking for. Since this is easier, I told them some books I liked and some I didn't. So yeah, I really don't like fantasy books, and most sci fi is pretty unappealing. I like postmodern and weird and pretentious things. Of course, Kevin says "so you mean you like bad books". Other things were said, and I was real mad. I gave them a ride to Tempe Marketplace. Also, as it turned out, Kevin has been holding on to my copy of The Persistence of Vision, which I liked, and he also liked! Too bad he didn't recognize that I have good taste in books.

Also, Joe thinks I am too "avant-garde" when it comes to books. I like dry Russian lit. How is that avant-garde?

overall, a pretty subpar weekend

I cannot stand interacting with my dad. am so frustrate.

Also, have I told you how much I dislike Avatar? yes, and because I have an opinion about a thing, everyone ever has taken it upon themselves to correct me.

I hate all of my friends for this. Also, Greg and Kevin, don't think I've forgotten about the bookstore incident, because, you know, I haven't. Every time someone tries to talk to me about that godforsaken movie, it is like the bookstore incident. No one is allowed in my fucking car anymore.

I guess the thing I hate the most about avatar was the fact that it was a) ridiculously derivative, laughably so, and b) it wasn't self aware enough to make the lack of originality interesting.

who am I kidding

it's just fucking entertainment, right

it's pretty, so who gives a shit about plot.

also, environmentalism is so fashion

IT'S JUST ENTERTAINMENT, RIGHT.