I am always sabotaging myself. It's like there is another part of me that gets off on making me suffer.
you could never stay up with me when this happened
you can't either
I want someone to reassure me late at night, but if it's not you, who is it going to be?
and it follows the same formula every time. I can't stop it. no matter how many times I tell myself "it'll be different this time; it's okay, you can have what you want".
but one misunderstood word and I am back, beating myself up for things that aren't my fault, things that I can't control, things that honestly don't matter.
and it escalates and escalates, and you don't understand, and you don't know what to do, and it's late, and it's honestly not a big deal, and let's just go to sleep leah, okay, you go to sleep, and my breathing gets more and more ragged until i can't process oxygen anymore and now you start to get worried sometimes you yell at me sometimes you elevate my legs sometimes you tell me it's okay please stop it's okay and all I can manage to say is I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and you don't understand and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and sometimes I forget how to speak my throat can't make the sounds except for I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and sometimes I can't see and sometimes it hurts so much I can't breathe and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
but for what?
I can never articulate.
the worst is when you're really not there and I have to be quiet so I don't wake up my parents and I'm still mumbling I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry to no one.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
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