overall, a pretty subpar weekend

I cannot stand interacting with my dad. am so frustrate.

Also, have I told you how much I dislike Avatar? yes, and because I have an opinion about a thing, everyone ever has taken it upon themselves to correct me.

I hate all of my friends for this. Also, Greg and Kevin, don't think I've forgotten about the bookstore incident, because, you know, I haven't. Every time someone tries to talk to me about that godforsaken movie, it is like the bookstore incident. No one is allowed in my fucking car anymore.

I guess the thing I hate the most about avatar was the fact that it was a) ridiculously derivative, laughably so, and b) it wasn't self aware enough to make the lack of originality interesting.

who am I kidding

it's just fucking entertainment, right

it's pretty, so who gives a shit about plot.

also, environmentalism is so fashion

IT'S JUST ENTERTAINMENT, RIGHT.

soooo, I had the shittiest confrontation with my dad this morning. It's so stupid, but it totes characterizes the sort of relationship I have with my dad now

so my dad got a new phone, and he always uses his phone as an alarm clock. I was asleep, and his alarm went off at 6 AM. No big, he turns it off after a few seconds and then I can go back to sleep. This morning though, it went on for 20 fucking minutes. His phone had frozen up and he's too fucking technophobic to do anything to figure out how to fix it. So, I wake up and head towards the noise. He's in the kitchen, making coffee, staring at his phone, and I ask to see it, you know, to see if I can shut the fucking thing up. he says okay, I try pressing a button, it doesn't work, he grabs the phone back from me (I've had it for a grand total of 3 seconds by now). He stares at it again for a while, and then he has the good sense to try taking the battery out. FINALLY. 25 fucking minutes after his alarm starts, he figures a thing out. Obviously I'm a little irritated, so I tell him for future reference, to figure out how to turn off his phone. I wasn't upset at him, these things happen, I was just telling him a thing. this turns into the WORST THING, and my dad gets real fucking mad, and my mom comes and yells at me for a bit.

that's awesome, my dad does a stupid thing and I get irritated, but if I say anything at all to him, it's all my goddamn fault. he can be openly critical of me whenever he wants.

so that's the most recent incident

I feel like this.

I want to feel like this.

I am ready to fall asleep and wake up when break is over.

okay.

no.

you know what

i spent my time waiting for break so i could feel betrer

and now it's break and i still feel shitty

and when break is over i will still feel shitty

nothing gets better ever and nothing gets worse

the thing that makes things seem better though is learning how to cope

but i don't know how to manage this anymore

i can't i can't i can't

i hate being at school because no one thinks i am a real person and i hate being at home because no one thinks i am a real perosn and i hate being anywhere at all because i don't think i am a real person

i will never do anything important or meaningful and i will never be good enough at anything for me to respect me

and it's everyone's fault

when i am sad and i tell my mom hey mom i am a sad person, she always says you are just pmsing. hey mom i am not okay please take me seriously sometimes

when my dad asks my opinions on things and i am like hey dad here is my opinion on this thing and he is like, that is an incorrect opinion and you will grow out of this crazy radical way of thinking when you are older, also when i was your age i hated when my dad told me this

okay way to go dad way to learn from the past and also make me feel like i am a valid person

when i want to be awkward and erik is like hey leah call me and lets be awkward, okay i am done being awkward i am going to sleep now, dont carethat i just left you hanging, and then whenyou bring it up tomorrow, sorry that i'm going to leave you hanging again

sometimes i guess i jokingly demand people to validate me, but no its not really a joke

I don't think I'm cut out to be a real person.

So I thought I would feel better once I got home.

Nope, not true.

My dad was picking on me today, like he does, and usually I am fine with it. Today, I just broke. I couldn't stop crying for an hour. It was ridiculous.

I contemplated telling Erik about it, but really, he's not going to say anything useful.

I srsly doubt anyone is.

Guhhh.

I feel bad.

So I am a crazy person.

I had two panic attacks two nights in a row just this weekend. The second one left me literally speechless, as in, I was unable to form words for about an hour afterwards.

This is all that's new, I guess.

So everything is wrong?

I don't know.

I am bad at all of the things.

I used to be good at math, but now it seems no matter how hard I try, I am awful at it. And now I am even bad at knitting. Something that used to calm me down now frustrates me to no end. I also hate spending time with my friends because I am just in the way. They have to accommodate me and that prevents them from doing things they want to do. And people just call me now because I have a car.

Specifics:

65/100 on last math test

The one proof I thought I got right, I got completely wrong.

provisional cast on in the round

I keep losing stitches for no reason?

Joe hangs out with Erik more than he hangs out with me now.

It is probably because I only read "avant-garde" books.

Fuck everyone and their taste in literature. I dislike fantasy and most sci fi. I dislike anything that involves destiny. I hate main characters who are only important because of some heroic thing their ancestor did.

I like stories about people. And I don't want them to be special. If they have some sort of special trait, I want them to be bad at it sometimes. I want them to be flawed. I want them to be actual people, not this fucking idealized thing that doesn't mean anything.

Also, I value concepts over characters. I also like characters that are concepts? Okay, let me elaborate a little bit. If the characters aren't realistic and human, and they are just concepts, then I don't want to feel any emotional attachment to them. I want them to illustrate a point and then never care about them after that.

I am perhaps insane and I hate literature. (Thank you, Greg and Kevin and Joe and Erik.)

I also like magic realism sometimes. So fucking shoot me.