I am always sabotaging myself. It's like there is another part of me that gets off on making me suffer.

you could never stay up with me when this happened
you can't either


I want someone to reassure me late at night, but if it's not you, who is it going to be?


and it follows the same formula every time. I can't stop it. no matter how many times I tell myself "it'll be different this time; it's okay, you can have what you want".
but one misunderstood word and I am back, beating myself up for things that aren't my fault, things that I can't control, things that honestly don't matter.
and it escalates and escalates, and you don't understand, and you don't know what to do, and it's late, and it's honestly not a big deal, and let's just go to sleep leah, okay, you go to sleep, and my breathing gets more and more ragged until i can't process oxygen anymore and now you start to get worried sometimes you yell at me sometimes you elevate my legs sometimes you tell me it's okay please stop it's okay and all I can manage to say is I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and you don't understand and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and sometimes I forget how to speak my throat can't make the sounds except for I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and sometimes I can't see and sometimes it hurts so much I can't breathe and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
but for what?
I can never articulate.

the worst is when you're really not there and I have to be quiet so I don't wake up my parents and I'm still mumbling I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry to no one.

I'm pretty sure the greatest crime anyone can commit is being uninteresting.


TOO BAD EVERYONE SHOULD BE IN JAIL

It kind of blows when all of my feelings can be summed up in a blink 182 song.

I feel particularly self destructive tonight.

I can ruin two relationships in one go, I think. That might be interesting.


I shouldn't have to feel guilty for feeling good, but you, you just don't know when to stop.

ENORMOUSLY LOVE

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE

THERE'S NEVER BEEN A KNIFE THAT'S CUT ME HALF AS DEEP AS YOU OR WIDE AS YOU






oh god my life is stupid and bizarre and i hate it
I promise I love you.

He cries when she yawns

I'll give you the longest kiss.
I'll give you perfect pitch.

everything

is pretty hard.

I don't know how to feel about things anymore. It has been two years. Have I run out of steam? Does it come back? I feel tremendously guilty, but what to do? Pretend like it is the same, I guess.

I want to have both, which is pretty frustrating. I don't even want one or the other anymore. Just both.

I wish they read this. It would be so much easier.

maybe it is the drugs.

I am having it again

the paranoid depression

seeing bugs out of the corners of my eyes

wtf

I have depression and I want to talk.

but not about you. I'm tired of that.

if you want to tell me you have felt this way before, or how you have dealt with it, or anything about you, please don't do it under the pretense of making me feel better. I'll talk about your shit, whatever, just not when you tell me you want to talk about my shit.

It makes me vaguely depressed when Erik talks about his friends in Washington who play Magic and do Magic things for work. He is always so excited. Is this what it's going to be in 10 years? I know it can be someone's passion, I guess, but it's still a card game.

Since I came back to Tempe on Monday, I have suffered a radical mood shift. I am depressed, angry and frustrated for no reason, and I keep getting this killer headache.


wtf mang

things are boring

and i feel like first wave emo

i want to go home

but i thought this was home?

I am unhappy

and my friends are on too many drugs to care

I had such a fucking awful day yesterday.

the highlights included, but were not limited to:

being stuck in rush hour traffic

being stuck out in an intersection while trying to take a left for 3 cycles

my period starting during aforementioned traffic

getting home to find the toilet broken

I can't handle this.

I AM SO SCARED TO EVEN BE A FAKE REAL PERSON

today was supposed to be my last real day of break, since tomorrow we're going to visit Sierra Vista. Now, week days are the best thing because I can go from 8am to 6pm without interacting with anyone; limited texting, limited computer time, no phone calls, no going outside. I really relish this time, and since today was supposed to be my last day of break, I set my alarm for early'o'clock so I could enjoy it (note, alarm was set for 11am). I ended up not sleeping the entire night due to unforseen a/c problems, and perhaps excitement. So I was awake during my parents' wake up tiemz and I patiently waited it out with the aid of old episodes of the joystiq podcast. When I was sure my mom had left for work, I peeked outside my window (it has a good view of the driveway) to see if my dad's car was still there. Fine. He often leaves late for the office. I check again an hour later, at 9, and his car is still there. Wha? I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he'll leave eventually. I then check again at 10:30. HIS CAR IS STILL THERE. By this time, I am starving, and in desperate need of food, so I wander out to the living room/kitchen area, only to find my dad watching tv in his pajamas. Upon seeing me, he says, "I'm playing hooky today!" Human interaction. All fuckin day. Fine, I'll just lock myself in my room for the rest of the day. No tv, which means no movies or inane distractions so I can knit, but whatever.

I still need to eat, though. So I pour myself a giant bowl of cereal, equivalent to two bowls, and go to the fridge for milk. We are out of milk.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

the bookstore incident

This happened sometime last semester, maybe November? Or earlier. I don't really know.

Anyway, Erik had told me to read a book (because it was really depressing, and that is supposed to make me like it, for some reason), so I wanted to get a new book for myself. Since we were heading to Tempe Marketplace, we asked Tim's room if anyone was interested in going. Greg and Kevin wanted to go to Target to get some things, so they came along. Erik and I went to Barnes and Nobles to look for books. Greg and Kevin met up with us there, and asked what kind of book I was looking for. Since this is easier, I told them some books I liked and some I didn't. So yeah, I really don't like fantasy books, and most sci fi is pretty unappealing. I like postmodern and weird and pretentious things. Of course, Kevin says "so you mean you like bad books". Other things were said, and I was real mad. I gave them a ride to Tempe Marketplace. Also, as it turned out, Kevin has been holding on to my copy of The Persistence of Vision, which I liked, and he also liked! Too bad he didn't recognize that I have good taste in books.

Also, Joe thinks I am too "avant-garde" when it comes to books. I like dry Russian lit. How is that avant-garde?

overall, a pretty subpar weekend

I cannot stand interacting with my dad. am so frustrate.

Also, have I told you how much I dislike Avatar? yes, and because I have an opinion about a thing, everyone ever has taken it upon themselves to correct me.

I hate all of my friends for this. Also, Greg and Kevin, don't think I've forgotten about the bookstore incident, because, you know, I haven't. Every time someone tries to talk to me about that godforsaken movie, it is like the bookstore incident. No one is allowed in my fucking car anymore.

I guess the thing I hate the most about avatar was the fact that it was a) ridiculously derivative, laughably so, and b) it wasn't self aware enough to make the lack of originality interesting.

who am I kidding

it's just fucking entertainment, right

it's pretty, so who gives a shit about plot.

also, environmentalism is so fashion

IT'S JUST ENTERTAINMENT, RIGHT.

soooo, I had the shittiest confrontation with my dad this morning. It's so stupid, but it totes characterizes the sort of relationship I have with my dad now

so my dad got a new phone, and he always uses his phone as an alarm clock. I was asleep, and his alarm went off at 6 AM. No big, he turns it off after a few seconds and then I can go back to sleep. This morning though, it went on for 20 fucking minutes. His phone had frozen up and he's too fucking technophobic to do anything to figure out how to fix it. So, I wake up and head towards the noise. He's in the kitchen, making coffee, staring at his phone, and I ask to see it, you know, to see if I can shut the fucking thing up. he says okay, I try pressing a button, it doesn't work, he grabs the phone back from me (I've had it for a grand total of 3 seconds by now). He stares at it again for a while, and then he has the good sense to try taking the battery out. FINALLY. 25 fucking minutes after his alarm starts, he figures a thing out. Obviously I'm a little irritated, so I tell him for future reference, to figure out how to turn off his phone. I wasn't upset at him, these things happen, I was just telling him a thing. this turns into the WORST THING, and my dad gets real fucking mad, and my mom comes and yells at me for a bit.

that's awesome, my dad does a stupid thing and I get irritated, but if I say anything at all to him, it's all my goddamn fault. he can be openly critical of me whenever he wants.

so that's the most recent incident

I feel like this.

I want to feel like this.

I am ready to fall asleep and wake up when break is over.

okay.

no.

you know what

i spent my time waiting for break so i could feel betrer

and now it's break and i still feel shitty

and when break is over i will still feel shitty

nothing gets better ever and nothing gets worse

the thing that makes things seem better though is learning how to cope

but i don't know how to manage this anymore

i can't i can't i can't

i hate being at school because no one thinks i am a real person and i hate being at home because no one thinks i am a real perosn and i hate being anywhere at all because i don't think i am a real person

i will never do anything important or meaningful and i will never be good enough at anything for me to respect me

and it's everyone's fault

when i am sad and i tell my mom hey mom i am a sad person, she always says you are just pmsing. hey mom i am not okay please take me seriously sometimes

when my dad asks my opinions on things and i am like hey dad here is my opinion on this thing and he is like, that is an incorrect opinion and you will grow out of this crazy radical way of thinking when you are older, also when i was your age i hated when my dad told me this

okay way to go dad way to learn from the past and also make me feel like i am a valid person

when i want to be awkward and erik is like hey leah call me and lets be awkward, okay i am done being awkward i am going to sleep now, dont carethat i just left you hanging, and then whenyou bring it up tomorrow, sorry that i'm going to leave you hanging again

sometimes i guess i jokingly demand people to validate me, but no its not really a joke