please please please.

I am sitting here, trying to distract myself.
I attempted a happy post in my happy blog, but it kept turning out too bitter.

This is exactly why I don't have friends.
When I have em, I need them.
When I don't, I'm alright. By no means happy, but alright.

This may be worse.

I want to sleep and cry and I can't do either.
I want to stay up in case someone is online (especially him).
I can't cry because I am in Indiana with my friends and I have new books and new shoes and a new coat and I didn't fail physics and I should be happy, right?

I should not be thinking about him as much as I do.
I want him to need me too, and it is just not going to happen.
It hurts me every time I tell him this and he laughs it off.
Sometimes I need to be validated.
I want to feel important.

I am such a fucking girl. It is terrible. I hate myself for it.
I used to be independent. I used to be angry.
I never needed anyone before.


It is too bad I don't have anyone to call. Advice is better over the phone.