the bookstore incident

This happened sometime last semester, maybe November? Or earlier. I don't really know.

Anyway, Erik had told me to read a book (because it was really depressing, and that is supposed to make me like it, for some reason), so I wanted to get a new book for myself. Since we were heading to Tempe Marketplace, we asked Tim's room if anyone was interested in going. Greg and Kevin wanted to go to Target to get some things, so they came along. Erik and I went to Barnes and Nobles to look for books. Greg and Kevin met up with us there, and asked what kind of book I was looking for. Since this is easier, I told them some books I liked and some I didn't. So yeah, I really don't like fantasy books, and most sci fi is pretty unappealing. I like postmodern and weird and pretentious things. Of course, Kevin says "so you mean you like bad books". Other things were said, and I was real mad. I gave them a ride to Tempe Marketplace. Also, as it turned out, Kevin has been holding on to my copy of The Persistence of Vision, which I liked, and he also liked! Too bad he didn't recognize that I have good taste in books.

Also, Joe thinks I am too "avant-garde" when it comes to books. I like dry Russian lit. How is that avant-garde?

overall, a pretty subpar weekend

I cannot stand interacting with my dad. am so frustrate.

Also, have I told you how much I dislike Avatar? yes, and because I have an opinion about a thing, everyone ever has taken it upon themselves to correct me.

I hate all of my friends for this. Also, Greg and Kevin, don't think I've forgotten about the bookstore incident, because, you know, I haven't. Every time someone tries to talk to me about that godforsaken movie, it is like the bookstore incident. No one is allowed in my fucking car anymore.

I guess the thing I hate the most about avatar was the fact that it was a) ridiculously derivative, laughably so, and b) it wasn't self aware enough to make the lack of originality interesting.

who am I kidding

it's just fucking entertainment, right

it's pretty, so who gives a shit about plot.

also, environmentalism is so fashion

IT'S JUST ENTERTAINMENT, RIGHT.

soooo, I had the shittiest confrontation with my dad this morning. It's so stupid, but it totes characterizes the sort of relationship I have with my dad now

so my dad got a new phone, and he always uses his phone as an alarm clock. I was asleep, and his alarm went off at 6 AM. No big, he turns it off after a few seconds and then I can go back to sleep. This morning though, it went on for 20 fucking minutes. His phone had frozen up and he's too fucking technophobic to do anything to figure out how to fix it. So, I wake up and head towards the noise. He's in the kitchen, making coffee, staring at his phone, and I ask to see it, you know, to see if I can shut the fucking thing up. he says okay, I try pressing a button, it doesn't work, he grabs the phone back from me (I've had it for a grand total of 3 seconds by now). He stares at it again for a while, and then he has the good sense to try taking the battery out. FINALLY. 25 fucking minutes after his alarm starts, he figures a thing out. Obviously I'm a little irritated, so I tell him for future reference, to figure out how to turn off his phone. I wasn't upset at him, these things happen, I was just telling him a thing. this turns into the WORST THING, and my dad gets real fucking mad, and my mom comes and yells at me for a bit.

that's awesome, my dad does a stupid thing and I get irritated, but if I say anything at all to him, it's all my goddamn fault. he can be openly critical of me whenever he wants.

so that's the most recent incident

I feel like this.

I want to feel like this.

I am ready to fall asleep and wake up when break is over.

okay.

no.

you know what

i spent my time waiting for break so i could feel betrer

and now it's break and i still feel shitty

and when break is over i will still feel shitty

nothing gets better ever and nothing gets worse

the thing that makes things seem better though is learning how to cope

but i don't know how to manage this anymore

i can't i can't i can't

i hate being at school because no one thinks i am a real person and i hate being at home because no one thinks i am a real perosn and i hate being anywhere at all because i don't think i am a real person

i will never do anything important or meaningful and i will never be good enough at anything for me to respect me

and it's everyone's fault

when i am sad and i tell my mom hey mom i am a sad person, she always says you are just pmsing. hey mom i am not okay please take me seriously sometimes

when my dad asks my opinions on things and i am like hey dad here is my opinion on this thing and he is like, that is an incorrect opinion and you will grow out of this crazy radical way of thinking when you are older, also when i was your age i hated when my dad told me this

okay way to go dad way to learn from the past and also make me feel like i am a valid person

when i want to be awkward and erik is like hey leah call me and lets be awkward, okay i am done being awkward i am going to sleep now, dont carethat i just left you hanging, and then whenyou bring it up tomorrow, sorry that i'm going to leave you hanging again

sometimes i guess i jokingly demand people to validate me, but no its not really a joke

I don't think I'm cut out to be a real person.

So I thought I would feel better once I got home.

Nope, not true.

My dad was picking on me today, like he does, and usually I am fine with it. Today, I just broke. I couldn't stop crying for an hour. It was ridiculous.

I contemplated telling Erik about it, but really, he's not going to say anything useful.

I srsly doubt anyone is.

Guhhh.

I feel bad.

So I am a crazy person.

I had two panic attacks two nights in a row just this weekend. The second one left me literally speechless, as in, I was unable to form words for about an hour afterwards.

This is all that's new, I guess.