I waited for that. I waited all night for that. Well, I'm a pathetic piece of shit.
Maybe I should just go die in a fire.
Sam's right.

everyone is sick of my sad face.
no one wants to talk to me
or when they do
it is advice
or empathy
"yeah, I feel like that too."
well, fuck you
I didn't ask.
tell me everything's going to be okay.
stay stay stay
let me be sad, okay. sometimes I need to be. sometimes I need to be sad. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to feel guilty.
and when I say "what do I do? what do I do? what do I do?" you don't have to answer, you know. It's okay to say "I don't know."
I just want someone there. please please please please stay.

what to do?
pretend like everything is okay.



form follows function.

Like many things, though, I think that my observations have altered the objects of my scrutiny.
--Matt Hemenway, on Facebook chat.


I just wanted to save this.

I suppose I should elaborate on the paranoia thing I touched on in the other blog. But really, what to say about it?

I guess a lot of my emotional instability has to do with Matt and Sam, even if I don't want to admit it (it'll only make them feel guilty). I don't know what to do. I guess I can be friends with them separately if that is what they require, but it sure as hell isn't what I require.
I want my friends to stay friends. Is that wrong?

On another note, I want my boyfriend to be my friend as well. I tell him "I'm going to be in Matt/Sam's room." and he asks "Do you want me to come?" and I say that I don't care, but yeah, I care I care I care. And then he goes and plays Magic and then I am sad no matter how much fun Matt and/or Sam are. Then he never calls, never texts, and I tell him I want to go home, and then I feel guilty and he is so nice and I feel so guilty. And then I realize he is not so nice, and I feel guilty about thinking that.
Fucking Islam family guilt. It's all we have.
My dad has finally found his passion, but at the cost of my mom's happiness. What to do, what to do. I am only 17; what can I do?

I can't do a thing. I hate admitting it, but sometimes there is nothing you can do.
Time to wait, I suppose. Wait for everyone to solve their problems, and maybe mine will get better. Maybe maybe maybe.

spring break

It has been a day, and I already miss Erik an unreasonable amount. Granted, this is far better than winter break, but still.
I have been spoiled by routine.

I am so scared.

"It is okay to let go, Leah."



No. You will leave. You won't come back.




You are always leaving me. I don't need anyone but you, but you need other people. I am so clingy and needy. It is ridiculous. You would rather be with them than me.

being sick

is lame. Lame lame lame lame.

I have a test on Monday and a test on Tuesday and I had a test on Wednesday, but I dropped that class.



Oh, and an essay due on Friday.