things that help. Also, schizophrenia!

Sup Leah?

I know you've been having some issues with the menfolk, but don't let it get to you.
Well, that kid Erik, he's not a bad guy, but he doesn't have it all together either. It's not your place to justify his actions. When he messes up, he messes up. He's a big boy. He can justify his mistakes himself.
As for everything else, yeah, he's an important part of your life now, but come on. You're still a feminist, goddamn it. Act like one. You don't need him. At all. Ever. You still know what is important to you, and you still know how to prioritize, even if he doesn't.
And you know how you're always worried that people think of you as "Gigantor's girlfriend"? Don't. Maybe for the first couple days you were, but you've been assimilated into the group now. You're Leah. You have your own personality. You can hang out with any of Erik's friends now without Erik, because, hey, they're your friends too. Hell, you even talked to Matt for three hours on the phone last night, discussing Russian literature. You talk to Sam, and Tucker, and Tim, and Bryan, and Becky, and Wilford comfortably and easily. It's fine. They don't talk to you because they have to accept you. They think you're neat.
Also, don't get so fucking intimidated. You're entitled to your own opinions, even if Erik doesn't share those opinions. You can be your own person. IT'S OKAY. So what if he thinks you're stupid or misinformed? You still kick his ass at math. You don't even like politics or economics. Why the fuck do you care what he thinks about them? You're 16. You're in college. You're smart. You don't need to prove it to anyone, least of all your boyfriend. You're fucking Baretta. They believe every fucking word 'cause you're super cool.

So basically, there is no reason to give up you to be with him. It's been working fine so far. I don't know what's up with you and break to think all of it's changed.

Oh one more thing, cry as much as you fucking want. You're at home. No one needs to know.

Fuck men,
Leah

things that distress me, part 1

I had to hear it from Scott.


Goddamn it, goddamn it, goddamn it.






I cannot do anything right.

Erik

from Skype:

leah, i am probably making a lot of mistakes that make you really angry. i don't mean to. i really do love you. and i miss you a lot. i'm sorry if i frustrate you unduely, but i am trying to be less frustrating



gahh, I have so much frustration.

I am wrong

I am wrong I am wrong I am wrong

It is the smallest things I am using as evidence, but the smallest things seem to affect me the most.

I have never done anything.
Ever.

Awesome.




This will be the 16th New Year's Eve in a row in which I have sat around with my parents, reading and watching TV.


djhjgkdfgldg

I dislike that I

talk differently over chat, for one, but also that I change how I talk depending on who I talk to.
I pick up their mannerisms and whatnot. It frustrates me to no end. I want my own definitive style.

reading

I just read Neuromancer, straight up, three hours on a plane.

I can't tell if I liked it or not.

But let me tell you this: it was not a book I read because I enjoyed reading it. I kept catching myself looking at the page numbers, wondering when it would be over.

I need a book that I can read without ever worrying about "Goddamn it, one hour and I am only 100 pages in."
I need a book that makes me want to read. All of the nerdy books I've been recommended have been page turners only because I am trying to up my reading speed again. That is always a bad sign when I'm reading. If I am only paying attention to see how much faster I can finish it, then there is no point in reading that book.

I'll probably read the first two WoT and give up. That's all I can promise.
Then, I'll spend the rest of break on Kurt Vonnegut and Joseph Heller and Jonathan Safran Foer. I crave Cat's Cradle like you don't even know.